July 19, 2005

• 

  I am a window-shopping champion of lost causes a.k.a. Captain Savahoe.

  A group of us dissenters were ridding the world of cancer sticks one at a time when Butterfly fluttered by, ultimately landing in the midst of us. My God was her wings beautiful! I mean melt-your-heart beautiful. The most perfect thing that God had ever made, and that’s a fact. Conversation ensued and the topic of cancer sticks being a cause of death came up. The general consensus was that all would die and therefore you might as well enjoy what you can. Butterfly made the point was made that the conversation was morbid at which point I made the point “Whether or not time is linear, we experience it in a linear fashion, and therefore we are dying.” Immediately, Butterfly’s tone became authoritative. “Don’t talk about that.” Clearly I hit a nerve…a vein of fear.

  I must really be becoming an old man. Honestly! I talked to “Bob” the other day. The conversation went a little something like this:

  Me: I’m not looking for a lay, I’m looking for someone to settle down with.
  Bob: If that’s what your thinking, you need to re-evaluate your priorities. You’re too young to be thinking that.
  Me: I told you I was an old man.
  Bob: …

  Is it really weird or wrong to always keep the end in sight? Does it scare me? Yes, it sure as hell scares me, but that doesn’t keep me from thinking about it. This is the way I see it: I’ve got maybe 40 decent years left if that. In that time, I need to get a degree (a doctorate would be nice, but…) become a master programmer/software developer, and make real movies.

  “There comes a time when every boy wants to give the world to some girl.” This was an interesting thought I heard somewhere recently. Truth is, I’ve wanted to do that for some time. Maybe I’m just in love with being in love, but like I told Beth not too terribly long ago, I want someone I can pour myself into; someone who doesn’t care where the journey takes us but rather what happens along the way. I mean, imagine waking up one at five in the morning and deciding you want to surprise your spouse. So you say (so I say to myself, “self”…God that was a classic moment. See, UAH still holds some fond memories.) “Babe, get up, get ready and meet me at the car in fourty-five minutes.” So they get protest, but they’ve gotten to know you by now, so they know you’ve got some little goodie up your sleeve and comply. Forty-five minutes later, they’re at the car half-asleep. “Where are we going?” “You’ll see. Just get in. Go back to sleep if you like, it’s gonna be a little bit of a drive.”

  About an hour later as the sun rises and you enjoy the awesome colors God put in the sky that morning, you gently wake your spouse. “Honey wake up.” “Are we there yet?” “We’re at our first stop. Look at that sunrise!” And with that, you pull into Penera Bread’s parking lot. You get two French Vanilla Cappuccinos and two delicious treats a piece. After you cuddle and gratitudes are exchanged, back on the road for another couple of hours until you arrive, all the while being nagged where you’re going. Finally, it comes into focus: you’re in Atlanta taking that familiar exit. Six Flags is the treat for the day.

  After a day full of hot sun, overpriced food, laughing and screaming together riding roller coasters that you swore to yourself you’d never ride, it’s time to go home. It’s that Kodak moment time of the day as the sun sets. You look at your spouse and think to yourself, “Dear God, I’m the luckiest person to have this beautiful, wonderful human being for my best friend.” You smile that quarky little smile of yours and hug them as tight as you can, giving them a light peck on the forehead. And even though you’ve already spent too much money, you dine high that evening at a fine restaurant along the way. Weary when you walk in the door to you humble abode, you crawl in bed and go to sleep in each other’s arms.

  Maybe it’s just the longing to feel wanted.

  It’s the sense of touch. I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something.

  BILL

  There’s not an ounce of excitement, not a whisper of a thrill. And this relationship has all the passion of a pair of titmice. I want you to get swept away out there. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish.

  SUSAN

  Oh, that’s all?

  BILL

  Yeah, be deliriously happy or at least leave yourself open to be.

  SUSAN

  Ok. Be deliriously happy. I shall do my utmost.

  BILL

  I know it’s a cornball thing. But love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head an listen to you heart. And I’m not hearing any heart. Cause the truth is honey, there’s no sense in living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven’t live a life at all. But you have to try. Cause if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.

  SUSAN

  Bravo!

  BILL

  Oh you’re tough.

  SUSAN

  I’m sorry. Ok. Give it to me again, but the short version this time.

  BILL

  Ok. Stay open. Who knows, lighting could strike.

  And now a word from our sponsors

  I’ve had a lot of emotions lately. I’ve been overwhelmed mostly the past few days. Overwhelmed that I don’t have a decent job. Overwhelmed that I wouldn’t find a job. Overwhelmed with the job that I found. (More on that in a moment.) Overwhelmed that I won’t be able to pay bills at the end of the month. Overwhelmed that I have no support from home. Overwhelmed with life. Overwhelmed that I won’t be able to live life as I know it. Overwhelmed because I know that Butterfly is being abused but that she won’t leave and there’s nothing I can do about it. Overwhelmed that there are so many problems that need to be solved, but that there aren’t enough resources to solve them. Overwhelmed at seeing people that I care about hurt and not being able to ease the pain. Overwhelmed that I don’t have the abbreviations memorized for work. Overwhelmed with learning the new job. Overwhelmed that there’s no time in the schedule. Overwhelmed that I don’t have the money to buy the items I need for work and won’t have the money for over a month. Overwhelmed that I won’t be able to take my birthday off cause I’ll need the money. Overwhelmed because I probably won’t get to go to Sidewalk. Overwhelmed that I don’t know what my identity is anymore. Overwhelmed that a good friend is spaced out in a mental hospital and likely won’t recover. Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed.

  Like the new job alright. Skiddish about it though, cause there’s a lot to know. It’s a really cheery place to work, but like Mrs. Haversham, I haven’t seen daylight in many years. It’s blinding. Too much energy from people my age and older. God I feel so old sometimes.

  Still need to appeal Fin Aid. Need ties that I don’t have the money to buy. Need slip-resistant dress shoes I don’t have the money to buy. Need white long sleeve shirts I don’t have the money to buy. No money. No time. No woman. No life.

  “What have I done to be abandoned?”

  Hold me closer tiny dancer

  EDIT: Sometimes you gotta let ‘em fly and sometimes you gotta use a net. I found a net I didn’t know I had.

  

  • 11:45 pm
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