July 27, 2005

• I’m amused that I didn’t get the type of comments that I was expecting with that last post. In fact, I’m amused period with Xanga. The people that I thought were going to rag me didn’t, and those that I expected to call me a tantalizer didn’t. So people are dynamic. (For all those programmers out there, that means that they are inefficient with time.) So the world turns round.

  I have decide to be forthright with everyone here while trying to keep certain information classified out of fear of future retribution as well as the need for confidentiality. On the other hand, there is certain information that I need so that I might be able to conduct a poll of sorts amongst my readers.

  Ok, so Butterfly is in a relationship with someone who is emotionally, albeit sporadically, abusive. During a rather emotional display some time ago, she made the comment that she really needs to leave him, much like any self-respecting human being would. However, she has chosen no to, and for the most part seems happy and all the better for it. Having received counsel on this matter from dear and trusted friends, I (like they were) of the opinion that she will not be in this relationship much longer. Here’s where the fun starts.

  You see, I desperately want to give her the world and be a better friend (and ultimately spouse) to her then he ever could be. There are certain complications that withstand me from either goal. The day that he had her in shambles, it was a bit awkward for me to do anything as was it equally awkward to not do anything. Why, you ask? Well, having made it clear (or at least I thought I did) that I had an interest in her, what was I to do? Anything I could (or would) have done would have been viewed as a (potentially) inappropriate advancement. On the flip side, by not doing anything, how could I possibly be a friend?

  That evening, I had dinner with John and Beth. Although the incident had occurred several hours before, I was still worked up about it, because I didn’t know what the outcome was. John was like, “Dude, open door policy!” I acted appropriately.

  Now Comes the Caveat

  The day that all this happened, we were supposed to get together for a quick meeting. What I wanted to do was persuade her to come aboard as yet another Blue Portal Team Member. When I first went to the theater, I had made it very clear that I was attempting to start a film company. After this incident (the emotional upheaval) an additional meeting was scheduled which was met with a no-show. Ok, so time to give up, which is what I did, and hence the Butterfly entry.

  Monday was my last day at the theater because I now have a job at Macaroni Grill and, a week from yesterday, will start training at Dillard’s. To preempt certain questions, I’m enjoying my job a Macaroni Grill, although there is a certain co-worker whose tone is needlessly authoritative. In the words of Eric, “that’s life”. While we’re in this little commercial break, I might add that my birthday is August 7th.

  So I was content to leave well enough alone and go back to being miserable (translation into Eric–life). Content until Monday that is. You see, I was saying my good-byes having just clocked out. I said goodbye to Butterfly and we got to talking about how all the good workers at the theater had quit. She tells me that that she is going to quit within a month or so. I mean, it’s a good move for her, but–I don’t know–I just know what it’s like to not be making enough money and then be blackballed by management.

  Oh yeah, they had told her that she was candidate for manager about three months ago. They have done one in-house promotion and announced a second. Well, since then, they had announced that they were looking for managers. But since then, they have brought in two people from the outside when they had dedicated hard working people already with them. Like me for example. I was supposed to become a projectionist, butt that never worked out. I was content with that. But to tell her that she was going to become a manger, knowing her work ethic and then not give it to her? It’s nauseating! (A personal thanx goes out to Eric for his comment about everything being life.)

  While we were talking about leaving, she mentioned that she wanted to go back to school. I thought we’d had this conversation before and that she had never been in school. However, she proceeds to tell me that yes, she had attended a certain school and was majoring in theater. Furthermore, she said she preferred film to stage and that while she was doing theater (as opposed to film) that she enjoyed being on the tech team doing things such as sound and lights. Oh yeah, and to top it off, she did a commercial for a certain government agency when she was younger.

  Excellent! I then told her keep in touch because I was starting a film company and yadda yadda yadda. For some reason, this was a surprise to her. I was elated at how ecstatic she was about the whole thing. I told her that the reason I set up those meetings was to offer her a position as project coordinator. Her eyes got really big at this thought. I told her to stay in touch. Hence, the reason I said I thought that I had found a net.

  So, with this information in mind, I called a friend last night and told him the whole situation. He gave me perhaps the wisest counsel I’ve had to date on the subject. He said, it’s gonna be difficult working with her (assuming she comes aboard) because you’d have trouble keeping a professional relationship. To this I countered that I’ve been denied so many times before that I could keep a professional relationship. (Hence the “I’m a window shopping champion of lost causes a.k.a. Captain Savahoe.) He also said it would be even more difficult working with her because young women her age (or people my age in general) don’t know what they really want from life and sometimes they make decisions just to have the experience, knowing full well it will be a negative experience. I was given an anecdote about a girl who was in an abusive relationship, got out of it, and within a period of months sold everything to get back together with this guy. When she got to his place, he told her to leave or he’d call the cops. This raised some red flags in my head because I have been of the opinion that she wants everything to work out with Wasp (the boyfriend).

  On the flip side, he (the advisor) said that it would be difficult to not work with her because of the keen personal interest I have, not to mention the great common ground that we recently discovered that we have. This left me in good spirits as I went to bed last night.

  It is my intention to give Butterfly a packet that I had put together for her earlier which contained the various projects that Blue Portal is working on as well as contact information. My thought was to go down to the theater in the next couple of days when it wasn’t busy, give her the package, and tell her to look it over and give me a call if she’s still interested.

  This is all fine and dandy until I start thinking about it. As I was typing this entry, I realized that she’d had to known that I was attempting to start a film business because I had set up two business meetings and told her the second time that I wanted her to meet the team. Maybe that information was lost in the emotional fray, but then again (and I know I tend to over-analyze things because I’m a programmer and programmers are anal about the data and tasks they are required to perform) I wonder if Monday wasn’t just a pack of lies in an attempt to get me to go away. I don’t think that’s the case, because it seems like I remember her saying that she had studied theater a long time before that conversation.

  I therefore leave it to you, faithful readers, to voice your opinions. I still want to give her the world despite my (hopefully unnecessary) fears. First and foremost, I just want to be a good friend and would be content just being a good friend. Since I’ve been denied so many times, I do believe that I’d have a better chance then most at keeping things professional, but alas, as much as I hate to admit it, I too am human and humans are dynamic. As such, they make calculations (and hence calculated risks) more difficult to compute.

  A word about Crash

  While I know that there are those of you in my audience who didn’t enjoy the movie and in fact hate it, if we can keep things in the arena of ideas, this is what to me the movie meant. (Stolen from somewhere on imdb It’s message is that everyone is guilty of racism and people need to realize other races are people too and don’t necessarily fit into a certain mold based on race [and to hence do something to affect change.] Furthermore, check out this thread. There’s some interesting ideas in there.

  As Promised on Eric’s Blog

  A young gentleman is still trying to decipher the following letter from his current girl friend:

  Dear William,

  I hope you are not still angry. I want to explain that I was really joking when I told you I didn’t mean what I said about reconsidering my decision not to change my mind. Please believe me. I really mean this.

  Love,
  Grace

  • 4:53 pm
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