September 19, 2005
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Oh to be young again!
I was having one of those nostalgic days not too long ago. Perhaps I’ve watched too much American Beauty. I mean I went back, way back. Remember the entry that really kicked this blog off? The one about butterfly? Well, it was like that all over again. Yannow, the quote that goes, “I guess in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.”
I thought about how I used to listen to Rush during the day in the summer and continued during college until this last year. I thought about the friends that I had made at UAH and how I’ll probably not see many of them again. I thought about the family, even though I want nothing to do with them because we can’t co-exist in harmony, although I still amuse myself by thinking about showing up at Thanksgiving with my (non-existent) girlfriend.. I thought about Bill and how I kicked against the pricks. I thought about how I used to be young and cocky. The good memories of my brothers before they became assholes and went to find their biological parents only to ruin their lives. (I too have thought about looking the old man up, only to find out where my sister is. Perish the fleeting thought.) I thought about Anna. Anna….
Oh how the soul yearns to cry for the things that might have been, but the mind argues that they can’t be, that they never were meant to be. I don’t care now; what’s written is what’s written: there’s no need to cry over spilt milk. I feel as though I’m in the middle of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. With each passing minute, I loose another memory until they are all gone and all I’m left with it a bunch of nothing—emptiness.
I thought about how I had a zeal for programming, but now it’s burdensome to think about writing code, though I do still develop in my head. I thought about how I wanted to write, but how I never did because I have no life experiences. I want to be a filmmaker, but it cost too much and I’m underprivileged. The student loans are about to be called in, and there’s no way I can work 20 hour days for 4 years.
I have nothing to offer society. Perhaps my purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
The neighborhood is getting steadily worse.
I feel…old.
Comments (17)
You offer us this blog dude. Be happy with the contributions you do make.
I don’t know if this calls for rejoicing in the streets or mass suicides.
Everything is a reason for rejoicing.
I take that as a both? LOL
heh – I didn’t catch that. Funny.
thanx. I try. Oh, I do try.
You said you’d have something new for me to read this morning.
yeah, they called me in early this morning and I crashed hard. Will have something soon. Stay tuned.
*twidling thumbs*
Actually, you write quite well. Sorry things are so low right now. How’s the lacerated hand?
First of all, I prefer the quote: “In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.”
Secondly, listening to Rush is probably contributing to 99% of your personality. Allocating any time past 3 minutes to Geddy Lee is a pure waste of electricity and time. Without Neil Peart, Rush would have been a opening act for The Bare Naked Ladies. ‘Blame Canada’.
Third. I can sympathize with the whole biological parents thing. I couldnt decipher 100% if you are also in the ‘adopted’ category as I am, but whether one admits it or not, there is always an ever-present void deep down due to a sense or want of belonging…However, you can either dwell on it, or use it to your advantage…i.e. Creative Juices. Besides, chicks love the whole ‘adoption’ thing. Think of it like having a little kitty or cute baby with you all the time…minus the mess and fuss. Just dont milk it too much. I couldnt tolerate you droning on about how miserable you are again, and how life is a drag (queen)….lol
Lastly, you are not the only one who feels like their only purpose in life is to ‘act as a warning to others.’ Ask Howton….every day that he gets home safely is a miracle in itself.
The truth is, tomorrow you could find out that your kitty choked on a fruit snack during the night, your pony tail fell off while you were sleeping, Butterfly, Dragonfly, June Bug, Cockroach and Lacewing all decided to have an orgy and forgot to tell you, and your hand becomes hairier than Howton’s jaw, but you know what? 50 bucks says tomorrow will be just fine. It may not be fantastic, but every day lived is another chance at shaving off another corner on your life-card and becoming a well-rounded individual….and remember…’Always look on the bright side of life…’
I’m speechless…
Dude, you’re adopted? I don’t want to be your friend anymore.
Howton….speechless? Now IM the one who is without speech….
this is going to be a silent blog entry if everyone is speechless.
Thanx for the encouragement Dan. I’m realizing more and more that you’ve just got to take it one day at a time. LOL at the cockroach comment.
And to answer your question, yes I had someone that I called family (lived with them 8+ years) but as you have recently read, disownment is mutual. Like I said, I never felt jealous it was great while the ride lasted, but alas, the amusment park is closed forever.
Guys with ponytails are hot. Intelligent guys with pony tails are hotter. Intelligent guys with pony tails and a mysterious past are the hottest.
Um, Howton, isn’t that your department?