June 28, 2006

• THE SAGA CONTINUES!

  A man. A legend. A way of life. Learn it, love it, live it. Greetings friends. Special hellos to my newest reader, BlurbzOfABlonde, affectionately known to me as Blurbzy. Btw, also on the news ticker, Stephen has provide us with something of an update of life in Germany as well as with pictures. Check it out. alien_bob had a great post on the No Human Left Behind Act, which, minus a comment from me is very complete.

  Domino’s

  

  I know, I know, you’re waiting on the big update. Well, here it is. This post is dedicated to Domino’s who should change their tagline to “We’re in the business of giving away free pizza.” To some of you that might seem harsh and random, but wait till you hear this.

  For those of you who don’t know, Domino’s went public a while back (for those of you in Juanita, that means they are now being traded publicly on the stock market), but they have been in a slump ever since. I keep holding the story, I guess, because I’m hoping that it will have a happy ending but the longer I hold, the better it gets. Already, I’ve called it several times and I’m going to continue to be right when it comes to Domino’s.

  Okay, here’s the deal: there was this big (at least to Domino’s anyway) internet poll that got posted a couple of months ago that got all the big wigs in a tizzy. According to the poll, Domino’s ranked dead last in customer service compared to all the other major pizza delivery companies. One must wonder, “how can this be?” given that one of Domino’s taglines is “The Pizza Delivery Experts”. Well, I’ve dome some behind the scenes investigating, and I have to tell you folks, it gets worse before there’s hope that it will get better.

  What is Domino’s Customer Service Policy?
  Domino’s customer policy is simple: appease, appease, appease. If you don’t like the pizza that they deliver to you, you call ‘em up, complain, and they’ll bring another pie right to your door. They may even let you keep the original pie, irregardless of whether or not there’s anything wrong with the pizza. In fact, if you complain and whine and moan and groan and bitch long enough, loud enough, they may even refund your money either in cash or as a gift certificate and send out a fresh pie.

  Of course, if there is a legitimate problem, this seems to be a reasonable policy. However, most people’s concerns aren’t legitimate other then they’re hungry and didn’t get enough to eat. The classic line is, “You got the order wrong.” which usually comes from the same people who couldn’t figure out what they wanted or what special to get. Just because the customer is always right and the company has a KY fetish doesn’t mean that you can run a successful business based on this model. Add to this the fact that the software is written for the dumbest person on the planet by the next-to-the-dumbest person on the planet and you have chaos. In fact, let’s dwell here a moment.

  Domino’s the Brilliant
  Not more than a year and a half ago, Domino’s decided it was time to modernize and finally get on a computer system that would allow for better flow of information from the stores to the local cooperate offices. Originally, the IT contract was given to a small company called IBM who purportedly had several year’s experience with such highly esoteric and technical things such as databases and servers. IBM decided that their entry point to this problem would be to create the user interface. That is to say, the first thing they did was make pretty buttons and create a system that even the dumbest among us could use.

  While quite pleased with the pretty, shinny buttons, Domino’s, in all it’s wisdom, decided that the task of the back end or the database part of the project, (the place where all the data is stored, such as the orders) was far beyond the capabilities of IBM of purported database and server experience. Seeking out the best and the brightest, Domino’s felt that only NTN could shoulder the burden.

  That’s right folks! The National Trivia Network was given the awesome responsibility of creating a database and getting it to work across a network. For those of you who don’t recall right off who National Trivia Network is, I’ll help jog the memory. Have you ever been to a bar, or perhaps a TGI Friday’s? You know those trivia questions that appear on the TVs hanging in the corner? The same people who brought you your trivia while you wait for you food now provides the backbone for The Delivery Expert’s Pont-of-Sale or POS software. Thank God we didn’t have to wait around to see what kind of a hoax IBM was gonna pull. Could you imagine how well their software would work? Neither can I.

  Domino’s the Cool
  Okay, so Daddy Domino’s gives away free pizza at the first scent of trouble, bends over backwards for you, have the lowest prices in the pizza business and will even do a song and dance upon request. What’s not to like about them? Why do they rank dead last in customer service? The simplest explanation is sometimes the correct one as is the case here: they hassle you before you get a free pizza from them and some managers are even taking a stand against ginning away free pizza.

  The damnedest thing about it all is that corporate can’t figure out why their sales are so low. Low sales, of course, don’t bide well with stockholders, creating a unique problem: Domino’s can’t attract new investors and so the company can’t perform the much-needed overhaul. When this news originally reached my ears, my suggestion was to charge rich people double for their pizza so that Domino’s can continue to give pizza away to poor and oppressed peoples. I even suggested they take inspiration from Hoover’s campaign by taking the slogan, “Two cars in every garage and a pizza on every table.” The idea was to sell the idea to their stockholders that they were feeding the masses despite corporate corruption at the highest levels. Perhaps they could even run commercials similar to those who ask you to adopt a starving African kid.

  No sooner had this free advice left my lips then Cool Daddy Domino’s did me one better: they decided to create the illusion that they were going to give away even more free pizza. However, they had a small problem to overcome, one that called for a monstrous demonstration of marketing.

  XLP (not to be confused with the beloved Windows XP) to battle King Kong
  Rival pizza maker Papa Johns pulled a fast one on good ol’ Daddy Domino’s: it released a 16″ pizza called the King Kong. Of course, Papa Johns had the full support of Universal and Peter Jackson’s Kong. The one-topping XLP, retailing for $9.99, was cheaper then the large one topping pizza at $12.68. This was Daddy Domino’s secret weapon to combat the evil Kong. While it made the ordering process easier on everyone involved, it nevertheless resulted in even more free pizza being given away. Having defeated the King Kong pizza, Domino’s was ready to launch it’s next secret weapon, the Hot or Free sticker.

  

  If da dot be black, it be free

  That’s right ladies in gentlemen. In an attempt to get stockholders, Daddy Domino’s wanted to create a monopoly on the pizza market. The idea with the hot or free sticker was to create a nation wide media campaign that convinced people they could get something for nothing. In other words, Domino’s was hoping that every man, woman, boy and child would order pizza hoping to see a black dot and get a free pie. This, however, backfired badly. Ultimately, the hot or free sticker would be called the hot and free sticker.

  The Hot and Free Guarantee
  Firstly, when the stickers ship to the stores, they are on the spool backwards; that is to say, as you pull the roll towards you, the top of the sticker is closer to your body then the bottom, so when you peel it to apply to box tops, the sticker has to be turned 180º. Add to this that the TV advertising campaign was so lackluster, it forced each Customer Service Representative who took an order to explain the program, often times being cut off mid sentence. Then there was the whole question of when it applies; oddly enough, only a handful of people called an hour or so after they had gotten their pizza complaining that the sticker had turned black.

  Three weeks after the introduction of the hot and free sticker, Domino’s had conducted an informal company-wide poll who’s results showed that less then 100% of CSRs were explaining the program, ditto drivers not properly displaying upon delivery.

  On the announcement of the concept, Yours Truly claimed that there would be major losses due to rip-offs; oddly enough, business seemed to continue as usual. While I’ve discussed the story a couple of times with Howton (who now owes me a post on the Internet debacle) I keep holding and holding. But a big “see. I told you so” was just around the corner.

  The Hot and Free Guarantee turns cold
  No sooner had the stickers arrived in the store for a trial period then a nightmarish hell was unleashed: a mechanism for rolling shit downhill. I called this nearly two moths ahead of the curve. My whole complaint against the system was that they would keep track of the drivers who wound up giving away the pizza under a system that they created which doesn’t work. The driver would be the scapegoat…until the fired too many drivers.

  Guess what came to the store? Give the man a cookie who answered “the chart”. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Corporate actually sent cute little charts that belong in a kindergarten class. Each row is to be completed with driver’s name, how many delivers for the day (the row spans a week) and how many pizza were given away because of the damned sticker. Fortunately, our GM knew better then to post this silly thing anywhere else but file thirteen.

  Oddly enough, all the hype is now gone. There isn’t any real pressure to tell about the wonders of the sticker. All that remains is another motion to go through when asked by someone who thinks they are important.

  666, Mark of the Beast
  As if the XLP and the hot and free guarantee wasn’t enough, slick Daddy Domino’s had to try it again: another triple numerical combination. Perhaps you remember the 5-5-5? Minimum order three medium one-topping pizzas for $5 apiece? Again, the spectacular 7′s, minimum order three medium unlimited topping pizzas or minimum order three large one-topping pizzas. Well, now we have the super 6, 666 or mark of the beast, whichever you want to call it. It works like this: 1 large one-topping $6. Two orders of bread, $6. Wings or kickers $6. You get any combination of the three.

  Of course, the general population doesn’t get the special. In fact, most of the employees must not get it either. It doesn’t sell. Ironically, one lady said that her pastor told her to quit working for Domino’s because she was doing Satan’s work there. Incredible!

  Domino’s the poor
  Despite it’s best efforts, Domino’s keeps opening the door right into it’s own nose. Perhaps it should seek to be government subsidized. Domino’s tries to be all things to all men failing miserably at everything it attempts and pleasing no one in the process. Wherever the need arises in the community, you can count on Daddy Domino’s, home of the hot and free guarantee to reach out the poor, oppressed and hungry peoples of the world. Domino’s: we’re in the business of giving away free pizza.

  • 6:24 am
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