July 20, 2006

• Tom on a Roll…for Lunch

  

  You are now reading the fastest growing blog in all of Xanga history! As always greets go out to those of you who have been here for a while and for those of you just joining us, pull up a bean bag, kick back and relax.

  Now folks, you know that I have something to say on every ithue (issue for those of you in Juanita) that passes our way. Of course, when I don’t say something, either you get scared because you look to me, your guiding light through times of trouble, tulmult, chaos, murkiness, despair and the good times as well or, you assume that there isn’t anything to say on the topic because it isn’t an important topic. Well such has been the case with Algore’s stupid movie.

  It’s not that I don’t have anything to say on this ithue. It’s just that I think I need a Xanga vacation. Speaking of which, I’m still looking for a guest poster or two to give me some time off. If you want to throw your hat in the ring, just email me via the link on the left hand side of the main page. Oh! And I’m working on a super-secret treat that needs to get cleared by “key officials”.

  Now, there was a little confusion over ehowton’s comment on Dan’s post on global warming. While there was a min-debate over the ithue, Eric made this conclusion here:

  For those of you here by way of Dan’s site, Re: Global Warming. My statement “THE END IS NEAR” was, simply put, a joke. Mocking those who becry it. Here now, for your viewing pleasure my gentle readers, are my thoughts:

  “I appreciate your maturity in agreeing to learn from both sides. I don’t disagree that ‘global warming’ is occurring. What I disagree with sir, is the fact that bubble-headed liberals snatch it up as their ’cause’ and begin an entire eco-political campaign in which to further their agenda, skewing facts along the way to manifest their own THE END IS NEAR hysteria.

  The two items are quite unrelated.”

  He then referenced this discussion. After perusing both the Xanga debate and the Live Journal discussion, I was asked for feedback. Now as you’ve all come to know and love, I have more gray matter then most and I tie half my brain behind my back, just to make it fair when I blog because I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t have a blog as great as mine. I urge you not to try this at home because it’s more difficult then you may expect, that why I say you should leave work like this to the pros. Nevertheless, because I have more gray matter then most, it takes quite a while to search the depths of the archives of knowledge. I knew that I had something ready and in-store—a parody if you will—something a little more entertaining then usual and something to break my award wining monolouges which I share here with you. Now add the facts that I a) had to search the depths of the archives and b)need a Xanga vacation and you begin to understand the task that was set before me.

  But you need not fear. No, you come to this blog because you know that we discuss the issues here. You come to this blog because I have yet to let you down. So, in an effort to illustrate absurdity by being absurd, I have prepared for you just another sample of what we do best here: tell the unbiased truth mixed with a little irreverent humor having no transition in between. Enjoy!

  K is for Kuwait
  We went to war so we could lubricate
  And Y is for the Yankee reservoirs
  Fueling SUVs and cars
  And O is for OPEC
  They’re like that guy who sold
  The tribbles on the episode of Star Treck
  And T is for Teratherma
  From her boobs in Washington
  Down to her ruby mines in Burma
  And the last O is for Oedipus
  If we violate our mother,
  We should know what is ahead of us

  (Betcha didn’t think we knew that word.
  Maybe you just don’t care.
  But we do, and you don’t, so THERE!)

  The environmental activists
  Have readied their assault
  On the Industrial Revolution.
  If they have to, the will
  Lock Tooker in the vault again.

  But a better solution
  Is the brand new 2002
  Kyoto Accord.
  A small price to pay
  That no one can afford.
  Perfect for the family,
  It’ll seat 6 billion comfortably:
  The 2002 Kyoto Accord.

  That’s right folks, sit back, relax, fasten your seatbelt and enjoy the comfort of 2% less emissions, rose-tinted windshields, driver-side windbags, and a 4.3 horsepower engine that runs entirely on bullshit! (bullshit!)

  Here in Alberta, we won’t be pacified
  Until all the dinosaurs have been gasified.
  Until the pipes stop a-flowing
  And the tar sands lose their black.
  You can buy oil from us
  Or you can buy it from Iraq.
  And you will until no oil remains
  Until the earth is sucked dry
  And you’ll drive your SUVs until it’s time
  To kiss your gas goodbye.
  (Kiss your gas goodbye)
  Kiss your gas goodbye
  (Kiss your gas goodbye)
  Kiss your stinky gas goodbye.

  Look folks, I don’t know much. In fact, I can barely tie my own shoes. But even I can see that we don’t need anAccord, we don’t need to waste millions of dollars flying politicians around the world, to write up a freaking 900 page agreement that says we’ll pay a fine if we don’t reduce our emissions. We’re gonna pay a fine if we don’t reduce our emissions! How’s watching your firm dry up for a fine? Huh? How about smog and rising sea levels? How’s that for a fine? We don’t need another fine! We need to turn off the freakin’ light switch when you leave the room. We need to maybe just once not use the Humvee to pick the kids up from McDonald’s half a mile away! Let ‘em ride their bikes. They’re too fat anyway!

  Yannow, if everyone in Canada switched to low-wattage bulbs and didn’t flush twice when they take a dump, we’d meet the projected Kyoto reductions and you know what? It still wouldn’t be enough! So don’t expect our leaders to get us outta this mess. They’re all idiots! Bush isn’t the only moron, they’re all morons!

  In the States they’ve got a moron,
  In Alberta, an ex-drunk
  They’d like to shut us up
  And stuff us all into the trunk
  Of the brand new 2002, Kyoto Accord.

  It’s an automatic standard
  And way better then a Ford.
  To stop it, Ralphie’s trying
  But they’ll still be ratifying
  Fighting for commissioning,
  It comes with air-conditioning.

  And once the Kyoto Accord is ratified, flowers will spring from the desserts and fresh mountain streams will flow majestically through rainbow powered cities. All thanks to the awesome parliamentary power of the 2002 Kyoto Accord.

  Not available in the United States or many other third world counties.

  EDIT:
  How’s this for advancing the cause of global warming?

  The continuous shot of the Ocean Surface to the Ice Shelf is presented to the audience as actual footage of Antarctica, when really it is a CGI shot taken from the opening credits of the movie The Day After Tomorrow.

  • 2:33 pm
  • 26 Comments