June 8, 2005

• This is going to have to be a quick one.
  
  Ok, so I’ve been trying to get a date for like forever. I’m not talking about getting drunk and having sex, I’m talking about dinner and then I dunno (cause since I stay boxed up in my apartment, I don’t know what there is to do in town, but all my friends tell me that there’s isn’t too much to do in Huntsville unless you’re going to the movies. But when you’re trying to pick girls up at the theater…)I suppose we could always go walk in the park. I’ve asked two girls out specifically and a one or two more on the side. I’ve yet to have an appointment. People wonder why I’m anti-social. I mean, I don’t want to go out and everyone does. I finally cave and no one wants to go out with me. Well fuck ‘em! That just means I’ll have more money at the end of the day. Speaking of which…
  
  I’ve been debating about whether or not I’m wasting my time with Blue Portal or not. I desperately want to make movies, but at the same time I don’t have the money. That leads to the other topic of discussion for tonight. I start the construction job at 7 and it’s 1:30. I’m not going to be getting any real sleep tonight. In fact, I haven’t gotten any real sleep for the past week. Every night has beeen like this. (Sorry for the side thought.) What I’ve decided to do is construction during the week and the theater during the weekend. Plus I still have that programming thing.
  
  The point is, I’ve been back and forth in my mind about whether to save the money and attempt to start a film company or not. That’s my passion, but I don’t have a distributor, etc. etc. It would be money well spent, but at the rate I’m going it’s going to be another two years before I can make a movie because of the cost of living. And then there’s student loans. And cars. And needing to buy a house instead of renting an apartment.
  
  On the flip side of the coin, I could take the money from the theater and save it for a car or house. Or spend it on a girlfriend, assuming I can pick one up. Therein lies the dilemma: I would be healthier emotionally if I had someone to invest in emotionally, but I’m looking for someone to settle down with, not just hook up with every once and awhile, though the benefit of not getting married is that I wouldn’t have to put up with the whinning 24/7. In theory, since I’m too scared to have sex, I wouldn’t have any kids. But I konw myself too well and know that if I were caught up in the moment, I’d wind up gratifying myself now instead of waiting. Then I’d have a kid or two on the way, no money, no real job, and I wouldn’t ever be able to travel or make movies. Grrrrrr!
  
  So, do I save the money and attempt to make a film or two, knowing that my chance of success is subliminal? Do I attempt to get a girlfriend knowing that I will spend the very money that I am trying to save and wind up setting myself up for heartache again? Which will make me truly happy? Can I be truly happy?
  
  
  I bought the Crash score. It should be here next week. I also bought a copy of Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel to give to the theater as a parting gift. Now I am thinking about giving it to them when we have our next mandatory meeting. It could be fun. Starting the tradition I should have started at Ryan’s but wasn’t equipped to do at the time.
  

  • 2:44 am
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