December 21, 2005

• A New Leaf on this Blog

  There is so much that needs to be said in this post that I don’t know if I have the time to get it all in and said. I shall do my utmost. If I must, this post will come in sections. Normally, I like to have one post where everything is congruent (if only in my mind) but this might just have to be the separate trains of thought under different headings and be left at that. Indeed, I don’t even know if it will be feasible to attempt to get it all in. In my mind the way I see this working is news followed by a long post about relationships with perhaps a comment or two thrown in along the way on other minor topics I wish to touch on. Suffice it to say I may be a day or so without reading subscriptions because of this, but that’s just part of it.

  Now for the News at Five
  Where to start? One of the regrets of not having posted sooner is that the older events will be foreshadowed by those more recent events due to memory management (pun intended) in the brain.

  Let’s see, the oldest news is probably that I got a job delivering for Domino’s. The question remains whether or not I’ll make any money. Statically, drivers tend to make pretty decent money all in all. Excellent money if you consider their contribution to the whole thing. ‘Twas hired on Wednesday, orientation on Saturday, and first shift was Sunday night. Only made 11 dollars on 8 runs. But hey, it’s laid back, I can do what I want and still make excellent money. Had Monday and Tuesday off, Wed – Saturday driving evenings. Gonna see if I can pick up some daytime hours.

  Other news: I am currently writing this post whist the great town of Oneonta (correctly pronounced On e on ta but affectionately know to me as Juanita) Alabama. Came home to get the breaks fixed. The mechanic in the great metropolis of Huntsvegas wanted to charge me $430 and replaces all the shoes, pads and rotators. Came home because it’s a small town and both Dad and I know the mechanic personally as they have serviced all of our vehicles. Wound up and only spent $101…the guy here in town said all I needed was new pads and rotating the rotors on the front. This is a good thing since regardless of who would be performing the service would be paid via credit card and I’m starting to push the limits.

  At the previous job (where they have retired my Hooter’s shorts) under the GM there are four shift managers and the assistant manager. Three of the four shift managers are quitting as is the assistant manager. The one shift manager that isn’t quitting is the Hispanic that opens i.e. she’s there at 0430 to open the store. If she actually knew what was going on, I think she’d quit too if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s probably the best position she’ll have here in the States unless she really learns English, not just bullshit knowing the language. Ah, the privilege of being a citizen of the States.

  BTW Howton, I just wanted to say thanx for the disturbing image of Hooter’s shorts. As a filmmaker, you know that I’m going to think visually and you have no idea how haunting the shot of walking in those shorts are. Fye on thee!

  Oh! Other news: Saw Batman Begins for the first time the other day and have now seen King Kong twice. Went tonight with Timon, his girlfriend Amber and Jesse. Forgot it was Jesse’s birthday today (well yesterday, but you know how I always do the previous day thing) so Kong was his birthday present. BTW if anyone knows what the numbers are for opening weekend, please let me know.

  Drinking more milk. This may mean nothing to you, but it’s important because milk creates mucous and I’ve always had sinus issues. However, even though I just had sinus troubles, there doesn’t seem to be an additional strain due to the milk, so this is a good thing.

  Finally know about Christmas. The store closes at 1900 and we’ll have a little party right after we close. Should be outta there around 2000. Then we leave the great metropolis of Huntsvegas and journey to the great town of Juanita.

  —–
  Sorry guys, but I’ve got to do a placeholder for now. Will flesh this out once back in Huntsvegas. Must sleep. Speaking of sleep, who here drinks energy drinks? My personal favorite is Amp, the Mountain Dew energy drink. Anyone in my readership drink Amp?
  —–

  I came up with something that I thought was clever whilst in the great town of Juanita. It occurred to me that energy drinks could be used as sleep substitutes. Therefore, I said that Amp is sleep in a can. Dad said it was anti-sleep in a can. Things like this. Jeeze!

  I wanna harp on good ol’e Dad here for a minute before I get into my award-winning monologue and dissertation on relationships. Now I know that the Amp thing is inconsequential in the broad scheme of things. But it is exemplary of the bigger issue: I’ve never been able to really connect with Dad. I’m not trying to place blame on anyone I’m just stating a fact.

  In fact, you should really think of this like I was giving one of my talk-show style monologues because that’s the only way that this will make sense. For those of you who have gotten to know me, you know that I write exactly what I would say. Which leads me to another issue: so-called cuss words on my blog. All I can say about all that is it’s just who I am. I don’t do it to impress, nor do I do it to annoy. I’m just being true to who I am. Something has occurred of late that has made me really think about this. For better or worse, accurate or not, I’ve lost a good blogging friend because of this. My problem is if I try to reword things, not only do they just not sound right, they don’t have the same weight or emphasis. Because I’ve recently made/am in the process of making a new blogging friend, the issue has already come up between us. Now I was told that they had went back to post one and read all of them up to the most recent. I have nothing to hide and am cool with this.

  Be all that as it may, I do have this to say: she was reading my story told my way. My feelings. Not something sugar coated for the rest of the world. Something for me. I don’t blog just to get comments, though I do greatly appreciate them. I blog because it’s a more sensible alternative for me then handwriting in a journal. In fact, I like it better. The interactivity is something that pen and paper just don’t offer. This isn’t without it’s problems either. For example, if you want only a select few people to read a post, I don’t think there’s a way to make a list of just those people. For example, if you only wanted a subset of your subscription list. On the other hand, there comes a point where you just say “fuck it!” and put everything up publicly because that’s the whole point of blogging. Or you think that everything should be private. But then no one would read it nor would they comment. Oh the agony!

  This is why I say I don’t make movies for anyone but me. If I don’t like it, my name doesn’t go on it because I’m not putting my seal of approval on something that I don’t think makes muster. I know this is confusing to a lot of people and no matter what I say they just ain’t gonna get it, but it is what it is.

  Back to Dad. I just can’t find a way to feel like I’ve pleased him. Granted, I’ve done a lot of things lately that I’m not proud of retrospectively, but still, I just can’t seem to find his approval. Every day, I unconsciously try to be more like him thinking maybe today will be the day. Again, I’m not blaming him nor do I expect this to reach his ears and him behave differently. I guess this is just one of those growing stages. But oh, how I hate it! And btw Eric, this is what I’m talking about when I talk about not being a good son. So I guess in that pure sense, you could say that my dad is my hero even though I have others I look up to because he’s not in the same industry that I want to get into i.e. computers or film.

  The other thing that’s aggravating is that because he doesn’t read my blog (nor does anyone in my family have time to keep up with it on a regular basis) he doesn’t understand some of my deeper processes about the future and what I want to do. So when I come to him for advice, it’s hard because on the one hand he doesn’t have time for details nor does he listen to them. But on the other hand, when you try to condense and dispense with details, it recasts the decision-making process into something that it isn’t, and you get skewed results in advice. Furthermore, you forget why you chose a certain decision path. I just wished that we could connect more often.

  About Kong, it was interesting. I kept trying to see how everyone was reacting while still giving them their privacy. That night I was in rare form: I was in a “let’s make a memory” mood. Not “let’s just do random shit to be obnoxious and see what sticks.” I mean really have fun and go all out. We did. Everyone liked the movie so much, we were rearing to go work on something. Anything. I think I can use Kong as a springboard to get something moving right after the first of the year.

  Btw, I have a question to ask. Is it wrong to see people as resources? I mean—and this is particularly true of film—it seems like it take someone from each walk of life to put a movie together. It’s one of the few activities that I know of where you need all disciplines from engineering to sewing to language skills to people with vision. Even food preparation. Cast and crew have to eat i.e. catering.

  IMDb claims that Kong made 50.1 million. It pisses me off that no one is talking about Kong being nominated for best picture this year. Instead, the favorite is about gay cowboys. Now I know that the Oscars are nothing but politics. But if a movie about gay cowboys wins best picture, that says a lot about this country.

  So I was in a “make a memory” mood for Kong and that night with my friends. Part of that is the new leaf that I’ve turned over. And it all happened because of a girl. Now this goes back to what I just said about blogging having it’s limitations while at the same time embracing those limitations. Someone, and let’s protect the innocent here, SomeGirlinKansas decided that I needed cheering up. Since she’d seen my name go by several times in the past nine months or so, she finally decided it might be worth it to IM me. We had a wonderful and zany conversation. I learned some of the lessons that I should have learned as a kid. SomeGirlinKansas decided to “research” me amidst claims that she wasn’t a stalker. I helped her along in this endeavor by filling in some gaps as well as sending her links to some things I had written for the school paper. The ultimate resource to understanding me. I pointed out, was my blog. So she decided to read all of my posts. She especially liked the Butterfly post; too bad that UAH has deleted my account and therefore made the butterflies go away. I still have them saved locally. I should upload them somewhere so that post can stay complete.

  You see, I’ve finally realized what it means to just make a friend. I have this bad habit of thinking way into the future. For example (and this is what I mean about the problems of blogging) I had thought that it would be fun to sneak up to Kansas and stop by for a visit. (Where have we heard this before?) I mean, now granted, I’m not expecting this to go anywhere. We have no clue who each other really are except that which is on our blogs. But still, one can dream, and I have a tendency to do that too much. Reggie has chided me about thinking I’m in relationships that I’m not. He had a good point. The only way I can explain this is by presenting a visual idea I had for a film.

  So this guy meets this girl. Before they even say hello, we have a time-lapsed montage of him and her on various dates and outings from ice cream to fairs and department store shopping. He does this with most everyone he meets, but it’s more important with her because they actually do all the things that he sees. The last image we see is her modeling a dresses for him that she’s shopping. She wants his opinion. As she coquettishly plays with a purple hat whilst in a purple hat, he says, “I like the purple one.” But he says this audibly to her instead of saying “hello”. I do something similar, though not as dramatic. And not, to date anyway (pun not intended) as embarrassing.

  The whole point is I don’ foresee anything more than a good friendship coming out of this, provided I don’t screw it up. It would be great if there were more (and rightfully so, even from an objective point of view) but the truth of the matter is we’ll probably never meet each other. Which is fine. The point I’m trying to make (and this is why I say my blog is for me by me of me) is that I was elated to finally get the opportunity to chat with her. I’d toyed with the idea several times before because it just wouldn’t be right. Maybe it’s the whole predator/prey model. I honestly don’t know. But I know that I enjoyed it and that I look forward to making more memories. If only I’d learned this sooner.

  Maybe it’s due to the fact that I got a new job that I like. I mean, what could be cooler than getting paid to drive around singing along with oldies even if you do hate your car? Perhaps it’s because SomeGirlinKansas really did cheer me up after all. I don’t know. But I do know that I’m the happiest I’ve even been even though the drive to make movies is killing me. I mean really eating away at me. I might do something desperate if I don’t make something soon. And yet, I’m really starting to feel like a kid again. Perhaps I’m starting to feel younger about my age. But then I look into the future and see the credit cards that I need to pay off as well as the student loans, new car, and house that need be purchased. I also know that I need a stable income to support someone before I seriously think of getting involved with anyone that far. But then I also think of how much I want to travel with that person and share the world and life together, whoever she may be. And I look at where I’m at now. I know that if I buckle down and pay for my mistakes, it will take five years of two full time jobs (unless I get a break with someone who can get me in somewhere where they have money to give away.) just to break even and purchase another car. And that’s only if I live in this apartment for those five years. So I have my whole life in front of me. And yet, I feel as though I’ve already lived it and that all I can do is dream. The torment of being young.

  Lester

  My name is Lester Burnham. I’m 42 years old. In less than a year I’ll be dead. Of course, I don’t know that yet. And in a way, I’m dead already.

  So you see Howton, there may be some good in a whole bunch of mopey posts. I sure got a real good Christmas present or at least a pleasant surprise. Have I been waiting for her to get back on while I’m awake and at my computer so we can chat again?

  Absolutly.

  • 2:25 am
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